So, it's been one year since I've last seen Bad Santa, and I thought for sure once I buried his iPhone in the Albuquerque desert that he gave me last year for Christmas and replaced it with a burner phone that I got from the Sinaloa Cartel - there was no way in hell that he could find me this year!
Needless to say, I was quite alarmed and troubled at the same time. How does this fucking guy keep finding me? I understand that the RV that I got for Xmas in 2007 was a pretty nice gift and vital to starting my blue meth enterprise back in 2008...
But what I didn't know is that I had to help Bad Santa deliver his cannabis Christmas presents every fucking year in return! I don't know what's worse, having stage-3 lung cancer and waiting to die or helping this fat fucker deliver his presents while he gets to fuck off and have fun? This shit is just so fucked up!
I have to be honest, some of the things you see with Bad Santa on Xmas Eve is hard to erase from your memory and should not be documented; however, after looking at the some of the shit that he puts on Twitter, I don't think I have too much to worry about here on Smoke.io.
After I got off the phone with Bad Santa, I was instantly greeted by Blitzen who reeked of cannabis and bottom-shelf peppermint schnapps. I said, "Let me guess, you're my ride to the North Pole?'' Blitzen belched and replied, "Do you see any other fucked up reindeer standing here? Bad Santa also said to bring the ICE bitch and to give me a small flake, we're in for a long night homie!"
After a very long and fucked up reindeer ride, we finally made it to the North Pole. Blitzen was quite impaired and crash-landed into a giant snowbank just on the outskirts of Bad Santa's Village. When Blitzen and I finally reached the gate, I almost shut it because what I saw was quite alarming!
Once we made it into Bad Santa's Workshop, the smell of cannabis loomed heavy in the air while stoned-elves were busy loading his sleigh and leashing up the reindeer. On the way to Bad Santa's office, I couldn't help but notice that Ms. Claus was wearing a very festive bikini while serving moonshine and eggnog.
After I handed Bad Santa the ICE, he shared it with everyone and had the entire group of elves running on hyperdrive. They finished loading the sleigh and getting the reindeer ready in record time. Bad Santa was so high and sketched out that he armed his misfit band of elves and himself with AK-47s and M-16s.
Once I convinced Bad Santa that there were no cops in the Northpole and that it was time to go? Our 2019 Cannabis Christmas Eve adventure began, and I have to be honest?
Once we arrived in the studio, Bad Santa reached in his bag and handed me Snoop Dogg and Martha's presents while he went to play a game of pinball with a female intern.
While Bad Santa was racking up a new high score, Snoop Dog opened his present and received a gold-plated vape pen with 100 cartridges of mixed high-quality strains (looks like he won't be calling me for a while). Then it was Martha's turn to open her present, she received a turkey baster shaped like a dildo and a set of fuzzy nipple dice engraved with marijuana leaves.
Once Snoop Dogg got Martha stoned, it didn't take long for shit to start getting weird in the kitchen, so I grabbed Bad Santa by his suspenders and got the fuck out of there!
After her amazing performance, I finally found her in her dressing room shot-gunning beer.
Once she was done throwing up, I gave her the present from Bad Santa. It was a very sexy and lacy white nighty laid on top of a case of Hi-Fi Hops and a year's supply of Prevagen. As bad as I wanted to stay and party, I knew we had to go.
So, I finally found Bad Santa in the parking lot fighting with Linsay's pimp over who's shacking up with her in the rehab center after the holidays.
Trying to land 10-reindeer and a sleigh full of controlled substances on top of The White House is no easy task. Fortunately for us, President Trump sent all of the rats home for Christmas, but unfortunately for the House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, she was sent to Ukraine to be pimped out. I guess he wanted her to know what it felt like to get fucked over by someone you trust?
We finally received a Tweet from President Trump saying the coast was clear. A lot of people talk shit about Donald, but I happen to like and respect the guy.
So, what do you get a guy who has everything money can buy for Christmas, including a toilet made of gold? Bad Santa may be an idiot at times, but he's pretty smart. He gave President Trump 10-acres of uncultivated cannabis and placed 12 naked, high-class escorts in various locations and let his imagination run wild.
It didn't take long for Bad Santa to get shit-faced and help little Johnny's mother finish decorating the tree. It looked like she needed a little more breathing room in order to reach the top, so Bad Santa gave her a hand.
Bad Santa was not joking, he did not get Little Johnny a present; however, his mother did receive 50-tongue lashings for Christmas.
I guess Little Johnny will have some time to think about this shit and maybe smarten the fuck up or not? It looks like the joke is on you this year kid - better luck next year!
When we arrived at Eddie Murphy's crib, he was quite fucked up and so were we. He made Bad Santa some THC infused chocolate chip cookies and to wash it down, one pound of pure Columbian cocaine. At first, I thought this fucking guy was trying to step on my toes, but then I realized with all of the kids he had running around the house, he must need the money, which is why I'm in the biz, so he's cool with me.
I told you that Bad Santa was pretty smart, and he knows how expensive child support can be, especially when you have dozens of illegitimate children to feed. So, he gave Eddie some smoke power and a new side hustle for Christmas.
Apparently, once Christmas was over and Mr. Murphy sobered up? He felt disrespected and filed a civil lawsuit against Bad Santa. He took this shit personally and blasted Bad Santa every chance that he got on National TV.
That was the last thing that I remembered about my 2019 Christmas Eve with Bad Santa. We both woke up on a dirt floor covered in feces and piss in a Tijuana jail cell with the remnants of peyote scattered all over fucking the place!