-Greetings from the fractal space-
-I hope you are having a smokey day-
99% of the people in the world have their fair share of ups and downs in life. The last 1% are people born with a golden spoon in their mouths. Given everything on a silver plate. To us regular people, life feels like it is shooting you in a rocket flying in a spiral formation upwards towards the infinite cosmos among the stars and wonders of the galaxy. On the other hand, sometimes life feels like it has pushed you down a hole as you spiral downwards the darkness and emptiness of the abyss. But that's life, right? Would not be interesting if everything came on a silver plate. On occasions people get lost in what to do. So to help themselves, people find ways to easy the burned and help them make the choice easier. Those ways can be the simplest thing like smoking a cigarette, to the most unusual and less accepted by society. To get your hands on psychoactive substances. To some, it is a visual and interesting game that they play around with. To some it is an intense and fascinating spiritual adventures that can bring them answers which they seek. Sometimes those adventures give you answers and "force" you to make choices that can drastically change your life and even who you are deep down. I belong to the latter. Obvious to those who know me.
Buckel up. This will be a bit of a long read.
It's my life
In my life I have gone trough quite a few changes to my very being. Making a drastic decision that had a big impact on my life and the way my life plays trough. One of those time was my decision to move to a Germany instead of Ireland. Which was my first choice. I was stubborn and hard headed about wanting to go to Ireland. Even trough I have been speaking near to perfect german since I was 4 years old. At that time I had just finished my 2 year govement contract to work in the hospital kitchen and get further education as a chef. I was out of a job and hunting for one. Croatia is a country which is slowly having its economy destroyed by the hands of the corrupt politicians that stand at the top of the country. Ruling us with dirty and underhanded methods. Installing fear into us with police brutally and unjust decisions that impact the whole country. Of course jobs are also a very big problem in my country right now. To escape that, many people (including me) have fled the country in search of jobs and better lifes. It has been estimated that over 10% of the population has left the country by now. Mind you that Croatia is not big, but we do have a population of almost 4 200 000. That makes for almost 420 000 people that have left. Almost half a million people.
Jobs are scarce and those who are available, have such insane conditions that a newly "cooked" chef will have a near to impossible time in finding a job. Unless they have connections or excellent talent and skills as a chef. There is a joke among the people. It's that a chef they look for has to be "20 years old with 30 years of experience". I was lost. Without a job and money. Living with my brother and his then girlfriend (now wife) inside a house that we rented near our parents. It was a day like any other when an ex-friend of mine called me and asked me if I wanted in on some Lucy. It was not an everyday occurrence for me to get my hands on it and I was in dire mental problems and in need of some answers. So I accepted. When they brought it over I was over the roof. After a few jiffs and chill, 2 of them left and only one friend stayed. That's when we both took our hits and waited. After the usual 45 min to 1 hour it begun.
We gonna play Pink Floyd again the whole night, right? Of course we are. What are you showing me now? What was that on my screen? Its so pretty and weird. What is that? It's some kind of spiral. But what kind of spiral? A psychedelic one. Fractals and spirals. Fibonacci style. The beautiful mathematical representation of perfect natural spiral existence. It's so beautiful but weird at the same time. It looks familiar. But it's the first time I'm seeing this. But it's so familiar. What? It's everything. It's mathematics. It's the flower next to my house, it's the wind that blows outside, it's the house of a snail, it's the movement of the humans, it's the pattern of my thoughts. Its the movement of the humans. Wait, I said that already. I'm a human, right? I'm just the star dust of a dead star, right? It's so bright and colorful, so spinning. Going in a spiral formation. It's mathematics, right? Wait I said that already. I/you said that already too. What's that on the wall? It's spinning. It's a spiral. Why is it spinning in a spiral? Why does my/our wall look like a snails house? What am I/you thinking? What am/are I/you? Am I/you just the dust of a... Wait I/you said that already, don't say it... dead star. Damn I/you said it. Why did I say it? What am I? What are we? Are you rolling a jiff? Wait, did I think that or did I say it out loud? He isn't responding. It's in my head. Just my head. Why are you moving like that? Why is he moving like that? Why is he moving in a spiral formation? Is he moving? Am I moving? What? Yes it's my turn. I don't feel it. Is that only tabacco? No? It's a jiff? Why are your words going in a spiral? Why is the world going in a spiral? Why are we alone? Why is the world only emptiness. It's the night? It's an empty night. Only we exist. Whoa. What was that? Did I say that out loud? No you didn't. What? Did I think? Yes you did. What? Why is this happening? Is this a bad trip? Will I/you stay stuck in it? What? No... What? What? Is he saying something? What? Please leave. I/you want to be alone with my thoughts. What? No you don't have to leave. What? Could you please leave? I want to be alone. What? Yes, I/you am/are wondering. Yes I/you am thinking. Yes we are stuck. What? Goodbye. What? Who? Is it cops? What? Hey Bro.
Just as they entered my friend smiled to me and told my brother and his gf that they should be careful. That they scare me.
What? He noticed? What? Thank you. I/you hope so too. I/you hope so too. Shoot, not again. What? I/you don't know. What? Yes I/you am/are fine. No I'm/you're not. What? You gonna clean? OK. Did I think that? Did you say it? What? Loop, loop, loop. I'm stuck in a loop. What's that? And that? Why are they doing that? Why are they cleaning like that? Why? Walk normally. Don't do that. Why are they walking in a spiral loop? Why are they cleaning in a spiral loop. It looks the same. Same as the snail, same as the wall. Same as my/your process. What process? Thought process. Are they really? Am I/you really? What? Will I/you find? Find what? A job. You/I can't find a job. But I/you need a job. But there is none. There is plenty. Irland we want. It's in english. I/you can write. You/I can speak. German, I/yiu can't write, You/I can speak. What? But far. It is a far away place. More far then Germany. I/you have Noone there. Alone. I/you will be alone. All alone. I/you don't want that. I/you want someone. I/you need someone. I'm/You're going to bed. Did I/you say that? What? I'm going to bed. Look at the stairs they are so flat. They don't go up. They go round and round. No, they go up. Pull ourself out of it. Who ourself? Me ourself? I/you can't sleep. Of course. It's lsd. Don't say it out loud. They can hear it? Who can hear it? We all alone. Why am I/you all alone? You/I don't want to be all alone. What? Why am/are I/you downstairs? We're not. Where am/are I/you? It's my room. I'll go downstairs. What? I/you can't sleep. I/you know it's the lsd. Pass me a puff. I'm going to sleep. I/you can't sleep. Why can't I/you sleep? Am I/you bothered? Bothered by what? Our loneliness? No. My/your life. Perhaps. My/your decision? Yes. That's it. My decision. What decision? To go to Ireland? Am I stupid? I have Noone there. I will be all alone. With Noone as backup. I'll go to Gemrnay. I have friends there. He invited me. I'll go there. What? It's darkness. Why is it dark? Is it death? It's peaceful...
The next morning when I woke up I could still remeber the feeling of that trip. That uneasiness, but completion. I remembered everything that transpired. I remembered the loop. The feeling of helplessness to my own thoughts. In my head I had split into two that evening. I called my best friend in Germany and told him I have decided to come to Germany after all. Irland was too much. It's too far away and I had Noone. I went downstairs. As I was walking the stairs I started to have this repeated feeling. I felts like the loop had stuck with me somehow. Not leaving completly. For a while I was afraid that I got stuck in a mental loop of imagination. That I was still siting on my bed arguing with myself. I talked to my brother and his girlfriend about it afterwards. I told them "because of the trip I have decided to go Germany instead of Irland." My brother and I didn't see eye to eye on what psychedelics can achieve for a person. To him trips are nothing more then a visual playground. Dont get me wrong. That's also a good way to go at it. You can be more aware that it's just a trip and it will fade away eventually. It can help you stay mentally on a right place. To me it's more. It's a journey that will lead somewhere. His gf (now wife) understood. She knew what I ment. She said something in the manner of "acid can clear out your thoughts, help you think more clearly, cleanly and purely about certain things that bother you". That he could accept. It sounded more as a real examination for him. He found a good one. A rear one. I want them all the happiness and cannabis in life.
That day made me realize how much of a fool I was. Thinking I could move just like that to a country further away then I ever was. With Noone there but myself. Some would say I could have realized that without the trip. But I didn't. I needed a hard push down the twirling spiral to be able to realize that I am not falling but flying. To this day I never regretted that decision. Life in Germany wasn't and still isn't easy. With my first boss being a wanna be mafia. It was hard but I pulled trough and I am living the life. Not a luxurious life but I am living a good life. I have friends near me, family that moved here later and I do the things I love. Moving there change my life and perception of the people around me. It helped me realize what aintruly wanted and who was truly my friend and who was not.
Now my message to you dear reader is...
Don't ignore the signs. Doesn't matter if you belive them to be a spiritual guidance or a manifestation of your psyche and its stress. The signs will show themselfs in one way or another. Trying to guide you towards the path that you yourself deep down know but sometimes, aren't able to accept.
#lsd #cryptosmokers #smoking
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